


Love or something like love

by YuzuIceCream



Series: Breaking the ice [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-21 17:36:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7396996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YuzuIceCream/pseuds/YuzuIceCream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuzuru loves with all his heart while Javier falls instead</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 一

**Author's Note:**

> please read the warnings before actually reading the fic. also please don't hate me after reading. thanks.

It's pitiful really, the sight before him. Javier let's his dark chocolate eyes settle on the figure before him. Yuzuru is surrounded by a swath of bedclothes, his long pale legs entangled in the sheets. As Javier's eyes roam his body, he licks his lips in appraisal. Yuzuru's ebony hair is mussed up, some parts gluing together due to the liquids causing his hair to stick together. His eyes travel down his body, only his body, not looking at his face at all, knowing that the spell would be broken. Clear fluid is dripping down Yuzuru's thighs and pooling in the sheets. It's pungent odor is beginning to fill the room. His neck and collarbone is littered with the smackings of dark purplish-red bruises. Javier finally sighs. He can delay this no further. Reluctantly, he brings himself to look at Yuzuru's face. Yuzuru's hairline is coated in a light sheen of sweat, a few strands sticking onto his forehead. His cheeks are still flushed from post sex mortem. His eyes are glistening with tears, and Javier can already make out the first drop beginning to slide it's way down his cheek. But it is his mouth that captures most of his attention. The soft pale petals are drawn apart, forming a small 'o', a clear indicator of his shock.

Javier sighed. "Come on Yuzu. I mean, you had to see this coming didn't you?" Javier knows it's cruel on his part but he pulls Yuzuru's lifeless hand into his own warm palm, intertwining their fingers. "I mean, you and I, we just weren't meant to work out from the beginning you know that". Javier brought those fingers to his mouth and slowly began kissing each fingertip. Yuzuru is still silent. "It's not your fault though that I chose to end it now. It's just that I need to move on with life. I can't stay in a relationship that's stagnant like ours is". Javier is inching closer and closer to Yuzuru, so close that their noses are barely touching. Javier can count each teardrop glistening in Yuzuru's eyes, sliding down his face. He kisses the teardrops away, marveling inwardly at the saltiness of it. "I've met someone new. She's amazing and she's oozing with vitality. It's tangible almost". Javier has begun working over the hickeys again, scraping his teeth over his marks when he hears the gasp from Yuzuru. "I'm sorry Yuzu but she's everything you're not." He pulls himself up now and makes eye contact with Yuzuru. Yuzuru has begun trembling, his body shivering in Javier's strong and stable one. Javier hears Yuzuru's words before his mouth even opens. "Why are you doing this to me". The words are croaked out, a barely controlled whisper. "I'm sorry Yuzu. You're just not the right one for me. You're just not good enough". 

And it's in the last words that Javier can literally hear Yuzuru's heart breaking, scattering into a million pieces. He hears the sobs begin to pull from Yuzuru's chest, wrecking his body as Yuzuru cries and cries, weeping and convulsing in his arms. Javier feels a twinge of annoyance. Seriously? This was the Olympic gold medalist? Someone who couldn't even pull himself together after a break up? Someone who didn't even question, didn't even challenge what Javier -who broke up with him out of the blue- was doing? Someone so...

Weak? 

And Javier can't stand this pathetic sight in front of him. It makes him want to puke. So he pushes Yuzuru back down onto the bed and attaches his lips firmly to Yuzuru's swollen ones.


	2. 二

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a year!!

_ "Love is the most difficult to break, and the hardest to satisfy".  _

_ -Mae West  _

\----

Javier supposes it is relatively easy for Yuzuru to avoid him. Ever since  _ that night  _ he hasn't spent more than ten minutes alone with Yuzuru. He now only ever mixes with Yuzuru during warm ups before they start training and for cool down after. Yuzuru doesn't stay behind on the ice to wait for Javier to wrap up, he doesn't linger about the changing rooms, coming up with some lame excuse on how he needs to polish his skates. Yuzuru is just not there. 

It's Brian who approaches him first. It's Monday morning, Yuzuru's only off-ice day in the week. Javier was just finishing the final knot on his skates when Brian suddenly threw the question. 

"By the way, do you know what's up with Yuzuru? He hasn't really been communicating much with Tracy and I and we thought maybe you would know  since you're his closest friend here". 

It's an offhand comment but hearing how people think that  _ he's Yuzuru's closest friend _ makes him bristle in anger. He doesn't even fully comprehend why he feels so blindingly angry. Maybe it's how everyone only ever thinks of Yuzuru first and how he continuously plays second fiddle to Yuzuru that makes him react the way he does. 

"I don't really know. Does it really matter though? You know what Yuzuru's like. He's strong. He doesn't break that easily. I'm sure whatever's hurting him can't be that bad". 

And Javier can feel the vindictive pleasure shooting through his system as Brian sighs in recognition before clapping Javier on the back. At least Javier knows that this one thing about Yuzuru is false. If there's anything that Yuzuru isn't, it's being strong. He would know first hand after all. 

\----

Miki calls him all in a rush from Nagano on the 27th of November. He picks up the call somewhat half-heartedly, already knowing exactly what she's going to say. 

"Oh Javi I wish you could have been here! It was amazing, pure amazing tonight! Yuzu-kun was so cool I cried at the end of his performance! Have you spoken to him yet? Yuzu-kun is  _ amazing _ , I can't believe him! When will there ever be another skater like him for Japan I never know. He's been swamped by the press no one can even get through not even nobu or kana-chan! But I'm sure you've spoken to him already! How is he?"

It's everything that attracted him to Miki in the first place that makes him hate her so much in this moment. Of all times why did she have to be so excited or happy for another person's wellbeing, for  _ Yuzuru's wellbeing?  _  God, now Yuzuru would be even more unbeatable, even more unreachable by everyone else around him. That's what all the sport commentators said, he doesn't need Miki to affirm that either. 

"Yeah, I sent him a text to say congrats. I'm happy for him. But more importantly  _ querido,  _ how's things back home and how's Himawari-chan?" 

While Miki continues on about how great things are back at home and how much she misses him, Javier thinks about all the unanswered text messages, all the ignored phone calls. Just tonight alone Yuzuru had already texted him at least five times. But it was the last message that Javier honestly found the most hilarious. 

_ "Javi, am I good enough yet?"  _

_ \---- _

They meet properly for the first time in months at Barcelona. The cameras are rolling, and while Javier knows he doesn't exactly have to be pally pally with Yuzuru, he also knows that being flat out cold to him isn't going to help his reputation either. He plays it cool as he sidles up behind Yuzuru before practice, right in front of Kikuchi-san who's taping Pooh to the headboards. The old man gives him a smile, before nudging Yuzuru who has his headphones in. 

Yuzuru's reaction is comical and desperate to say in the least. His eyes widen and his cheeks turn red as Javier smiles back at him. Deep inside himself, Javier feels a twinge of pity for Yuzuru. It must be difficult living life in limbo, unsure of even the basic dynamics of your relationship with someone. Javier shakes the pity away as quickly as it comes. He had once shown affection and had sympathized with Yuzuru and helped him out, and look where that got him now: forever in second place, forever incomparable to the great Yuzuru Hanyu. 

Javier smiles with his mouth and not with his eyes. 

"Do your best for training today Yuzu". Javier watches as Yuzuru's brows quirk up in confusion, before he quickly smoothens his face back into one of blank happiness. Say what you want about Yuzuru, but at least he wasn't dumb, at least not dumb enough to arouse the suspicion of his trainer or those around him. 

"Thanks Javi. Same to you too", Yuzuru says almost haltingly, before offering him a genuine smile which almost melts the smile off Javier's face and makes his heart constrict painfully. 

"Yeah. Congrats on Nagano by the way". 

\----

He looses to Yuzuru. 

In his hometown. 

_ Again.  _

What's worse isn't the disappointment from his own country or even Miki's apologetic hug, it's the fact that everyone forgets about him, thinks of him only as  _ second runner up to Hanyu _ .

He's fuming, but there's nothing he can do about it. Everyone sees him as Yuzuru's  _ bestest _ friend, and no one actually pauses to ask him if he's okay. They all only ever rave about Yuzuru. 

Javier's disappointed and angry but he doesn't let it show. Instead, during gala practice he hams it up, being Mr Likeable as usual and engaging Yuzuru in conversation even if it's the last thing he wants to do. 

He notices the kid first, much earlier than Yuzuru. 

Yuzuru had been laughing to something Shoma had said and Javier had forced a grin on his face when the kid suddenly skated to their small circle and stood at the fringes awkwardly. Javier had cocked an eyebrow at him but the kid wasn't looking at him, instead fiddling with something in his hands that Javier couldn't quite make out without his glasses on. 

Shoma nudged Yuzuru and Yuzuru had finally looked up, glancing at the kid before smiling slightly. Javier recognized that smile. It was that smile that Yuzuru reserved for the cameras, the one he had seen Yuzuru practicing in front of the mirror when they were still actual friends.

Yuzuru broke away from the circle and approached the kid somewhat hesitantly. Javier couldn't quite make out their conversation or what Yuzuru was saying ( _ when could he ever though, with Yuzuru's bad english) _ , but he could hear the kid stuttering before pushing something into Yuzuru's hands hastily. 

Yuzuru smiled graciously again, laughed slightly before uncapping the marker that had been thrust into his hand and signing the cover of the magazine. He handed it back to the kid who almost tripped over his skates before he finally looked up for the first time. 

And that was when Javier realized why the kid had looked so familiar. He was the winner of the junior men's event, the watered down equivalent of their own competition. Said winner blushed when Yuzuru made eye contact with him and murmured out a thanks before quickly skating away to go rejoin his friends again. Javier could swear he could hear the guy's friends teasing him even from a distance away. 

Yuzuru skated back, before offering an apologetic smile back at Javi. Shoma chortled as he glanced back towards where the kid was before throwing a wave. 

"That's the guy Sota-kun was ranting about earlier. The one who stole the gold medal from right under his nose. Sota-kun hates him". Shoma laughed as Yuzuru still continued staring at Javier's face, not breaking eye contact, trying to read Javier's now blank expression. 

"His name's Nathan I think. Nathan Chen from America". Yuzuru smiled wanly, his eyes still fixed on Javier who had started smiling blankly. 

Personally, Javier thought, as he stared into Yuzuru's dark searching eyes, that this guy, Nathan or whatever, might as well give up now. There was no way Yuzuru would ever like a squirt like that especially since he had bigger fish to contend with. Poor guy. Anyway, it's not like Yuzuru's that great of a catch. In fact, he's  _ not a catch at all _ .

He's the weakest thing he's ever seen. 

\----

When Yuzuru approaches him during the afterparty later, Javier knows he's wasted even before he opens his mouth to speak. 

Yuzuru's eyes are bright. his cheeks flushed, and he has the greatest smile on his face as he plops himself down into the seat within Javier's secluded booth, away from the dance floor and away from prying eyes. 

"Javi! I missed you!" Yuzuru laughs as he takes Javi's hand and starts playing with his fingers. Javier doesn't pull his hand away but continues staring at Yuzuru with mildly veiled disgust and amusement, something Yuzuru can't notice in this state anyway. 

"Why have you been avoiding me for so long? I trained so hard to make myself better! Do you think I'm good enough for you now?" Yuzuru's voice takes on a higher tone and his eyes have turned pleading as he stops kneading Javier's hands. 

Javier sighs. 

"Yuzuru. We've been through this before. It's over. I don't want to be involved with you anymore. How many times do you expect me to repeat this to you". 

"I know, but you have to give me a chance Javi. I promise I can make things better. I can make  _ myself _  better. Why won't you give me a chance?" Yuzuru's hand is fisted over his jacket now and Javier is faced with his burning eyes again. 

"Look Yuzuru. _I_ _can't._ I can't do this. Play about being in a relationship with you when everything is just false. I can't have that for myself". 

Javier hears Yuzuru's gasp and he looks up to see Yuzuru's wide eyes, full of shock at finally hearing the words spelt out for him. Javier doesn't feel pity as he pushes Yuzuru away from him and stands up, adjusting his jacket properly. Yuzuru doesn't make a move to stand up and just continues staring at him, unnerving Javier slightly. 

"Look Yuzu. I'm sorry okay? I really am. I shouldn't have lead you on for so long. I agree that wasn't ethical of me either. But, I mean, come on Yuzu. You're just not cut out for me alright? I'm not sure I even like men. I mean don't you think it's a bit disgusting?"

Yuzuru is still sitting stock still, not moving. Just staring blankly, eyes glazed. Javier sighed again. 

"I'm with Miki now and she's everything to me. She's perfect and I can really see myself twenty years, thirty years from now, living out my life with her and her daughter. So for the sake of my wellbeing, your wellbeing, please don't badger me again." 

Yuzuru's started moving again, and Javier can see Yuzuru try to blink back the tears in his eyes as he shakes his head, seemingly unable to come to terms to what Javier is saying. The sight just disgusts Javier further and he can't hold back the venom in his voice as he spits out his hopefully last sentence to Yuzuru. 

"In fact, don't even come close to me. I don't want to see you near me at all. You'll just make me angry". 

The words are unnecessarily harsh and he'll probably feel guilty about it later, but right now, Javier probably couldn't give a damn. Not sparing a glance back, he turned on his heels and stalked off. He had a call to Miki to make after all. 

\----

His phone is flooded with texts from Brian the next day: 

_**@Coach 11.52pm** _

_Hey Javi have you seen Yuzu? He hasn't returned to the hotel room yet._

**_@Coach 2.15am_ **

_Javi-urgent. Have you heard from Yuzu? It's past 1 and he's still not back._

**{3 missed calls from Coach}** _  
_

**_@Coach 2.45am_ **

_Javi please pick up this is very urgent. Yuzuru still isn't back yet and his mother and team are frantic._

**{8 missed calls from Coach}**

**_@Coach 2.46am_ **

_JAVI THIS IS IMPORTANT. DO YOU KNOW OF YUZURU'S WHEREABOUTS_

**_@Coach 2.47am_ **

_Goddamnit Javier I know you're still awake so please just fucking pick up the phone Yuzuru's mom and his team are frantic._

**{3 missed calls from Coach}**

_**@Coach 3.04am** _

_Yuzuru's been located._

-

Javier reads the messages at least twice before groaning and checking the clock. It's eight in the morning and honestly it's too early to deal with this shit in his opinion. He pulls himself in a sitting position before dialing Brian's number. 

Brian picks up after four rings. 

"Goddamnit Javier! I know you never sleep so early so why the fuck didn't you pick up my calls?" 

Javier knows Brian as a mellow tempered man, and he's only ever heard Brian use vulgarities twice so far -once when his crazy ex came raging back to the cricket club demanding the law suit, and another time when Yuzu and him stayed overnight to practice and Brian found them together the next morning, exhausted and covered in bruises. 

"I'm sorry Brian. It's just that I had a bad night last night so I went to sleep early. I mean I did lose the gold medal right?" Javier says somewhat wanly. Before Brian can interject he quickly continues: "So is everything with Yuzuru alright? What happened?" 

Javier can hear Brian's long suffering sigh through the phone and Javier can almost picture the weary expression he's sure Brian has plastered across his face. 

"Long story short, Yuzuru called his mom around 3 in the morning to pick him up. He was holed up in some motel nearby- and I don't even want to know the details of why or how he got there. Basically he was wasted and completely bat-shit crazy and un-yuzuru like I have ever seen. His mother wants to speak to me when we get back to Toronto and honestly this is all your fault because you were supposed to watch over him". 

He's used to Brian's rants by now but this one takes him by surprise and makes him feel angry. 

"Why am I always the one to blame for Yuzuru's bad decisions? I didn't even see him last night and now you're pinning all the blame on me as usual". Javier makes sure not to overdo it, not to sound too bitter or too spiteful. 

Brian sighs again and Javier feels his heart soften again. 

"Yes, you're right. I really shouldn't hold you responsible for all the stuff that Yuzuru does. I'm honestly so glad there's a break before worlds because I really need a break away from all this madness". Javier feels just a teeny bit bad for Brian but he doesn't say it explicitly. He'll buy Brian an americano when he gets back to Toronto. 

"Go take a break and visit your family. God knows we all need to anyway". Javier suddenly feels his heart lighten and the storm clouds brewing seem to have lifted slightly. 

"Thanks Brian. I can always count on you man. By the way, don't be too worried about Yuzuru. I told you before, Yuzuru's strong. I'm sure he'll be okay. I mean, I know him best after all". 

Brian laughs over the phone. 

"Yeah of course super Javi. You're always right when it comes to Yuzuru. Rest well. You deserve it". 

 

\----

When Brian hangs up later, Javier lies back on the bed contented. Poor Brian. Having to deal with Yuzuru now. Javier grinned to himself. He wasn't going to buy Brian  _just_ an americano. He'll get him an extra large one, and not from the crappy coffee vendor in the club, but by the cafe along Wilson Avenue. 

God, he really pitied Brian. Having to deal with Yuzuru now when he was having an emotional breakdown must really be pure shit. At least  _he_ doesn't have to experience it first hand. 


End file.
